The Art of Communication: Listening

Are you hearing or listening? Many of us take listening for granted - after all we do it automatically, day in day out. However there is a big difference between hearing and listening. This is a common grievance that I come across in my role as a Coach and HR Consultant, so much so I decided to put pen to paper and write this article.

Hearing vs Listening

Hearing is an auditory function and often involuntary ie the overheard phone call on the train, whilst listening is an active and intentional process during which you actively perceive information. It really is an essential skill and one which we all should have in our tool kit - whether in our role as manager, colleague, parent, wife, husband or friend. At some point in our daily lives we are all required to listen and in response, we all want, at some point, to be listened to.

Consider the following questions:

i) When was the last time you felt listened to?

and

ii) When was the last time you truly listened?

Moving from functionality to intentional listening

One of the classes I attended when I was training as a Coach was entitled Listening. I will be honest and tell you right now that I did wonder what on earth I could learn from this, after all this was a natural function for me. I am blessed with two ears which function very well. However, after the first class I got it and realized that I really hadn’t been listening very well at all. OK, sometimes when the topic was of interest then yes I was hooked and actively listened but more often than not I was doing nothing more than being physically present.

Even when I was an active listener it was not unknown for me to interrupt, add my own take on things, offer advice or finish a sentence. Ouch, painful to write but true! How about you, are you present and actively listening?

So what stops us from truly listening?

The subject matter is of no interest and so your mind wanders
You don’t have time for this, so you just pretend to be listening
You are thinking about your response and what you will say
You assume you know exactly what the person is going to say and so you interrupt
You interrupt because you are upset, excited or afraid about what the person is saying and you want to let them know or want to offer advice or express your feelings on the matter.

Listening is a skill, there is no magic involved just a willingness to receive what the other person is saying. The barriers listed above show that it is harder than it sounds, but once you master it you really open up to a whole new world.

Top tips

Stop talking – you cannot listen and talk at the same time!
Be present – good listening means being willing to stop typing, ignoring your mobile, turning off the television, ignore emails or the urge to keep checking your laptop/Blackberry. Give your subject your full attention and let them know they have it.
Don’t interrupt or hijack the conversation – some people take time to find the right words to express themselves or make a point. Don’t finish their sentences for them.
Don’t criticize or give advice, just see it from their view, resist trying to fix things.
Wait and then wait some more - listening is not about waiting till you can have your say, it is about the other person. Don’t feel tempted to jump in the moment the person stops talking, give them space to think.
Be honest if you don’t understand, ask questions to clarify.
Don’t act like you have heard it all before - even if you have their story is unique (it’s unique to them) and you could learn something from it.
Watch your own emotions – if they are saying something that creates an emotion in you, listen extra carefully to get the intention and full meaning of their words because often when we are upset we can miss critical parts of what is being said.
Put them at ease – give them time and space to speak. How we look, stand or sit makes a difference, looking at your watch or out the window does not put anyone at ease.
Stop talking – this is paramount, so it gets a double mention! Remember nature gave us two ears and only one mouth, which is a gentle hint that we should listen twice as much as we talk!

What next?

Do you know what hinders your ability to fully listen? Over the next three weeks take time and pay attention to the conversations you have, what are you doing that stops you truly listening? Notice what happens when you follow the top tips listed above.

Finally, here’s a quote that I have pasted up on my notice board, it acts as a constant reminder about the wonder of listening.

Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Karl A. Menninger

Article provided by Maria Smart of www.thesmartconsultancy.co.uk

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